Harry Potter and GranDaddy's Army
by Confungus
Summary: AU Dumbledore takes in Harry age 7 years and begins to train him as the proper chosen one. They free Sirius and begin a mentor relationship until Harry is eleven. Harry faces new challenges as well as the original!Hipower !Confident Harry. HG,RH
1. Prequel

Daddy's Army

Description: AU After Harry is discovered to be abused by the Dursleys Dumbledore decides to take him under his wing and train him to be the winning "Chosen One". This will focus on Harry as an 11 year old after years of direct training from Dumbledore who would gladly bend the rules for his favorite "grandson". The pairings are cannon (H-G, R-H, N-L, R-T,) for more beginning type of stuff see "Hand Me Down Clothes".

Prologue: The Beginning of Days

Once upon a time, for those of you who believe in the bizarre man-made concept of time, there was a small disregarded little neighborhood on Privet drive, Surrey, London, England, Great Britain, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Europe, Eastern Hemisphere, Fourth Planet (if you include the long forgotten planet created by Merlin himself, to lock in dark wizards), Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe. More specifically on number five Privet Drive occurred an event more significant than the invention of Dellian Jops, at least according to Professor Binns. (Not that anyone other than his 700-year-old self had heard of this goblin device--despite him spending 15 minutes on the invention and uses of it in every other lecture of every year. Which gives credence to the hypothesis of many students that the only reason why he chose to live far past his death, was to have even one student learn anything at all from his classes.)

In the nascent dawn, stood a man whose height was matched only by his scrawniness; whose shimmering silver beard only paled in comparison to his waist length long silver hair. "What do you mean Harry isn't happy with his new home?" asked Dumbledore eyebrows twitching (partly because he was afraid for the boy, mostly because he feared the wrath of Minerva, Rubeus, Remus— who specifically advised him against it, and just about every other member of the wizarding world). "Those people are his relatives surely they share a sense of decency and compassion that all humans do? They can't possibly neglect such a young child to the extent you are talking about Arabella." He continued, but he had already applied Legilimancy, and knew the case was just as dire as she described. He had seen the scenes of an incredibly "cherubic" youngster's playroom, where forty odd gifts were scattered and forgotten every birthday; starkly contrasting the occasional beatings and constant shouting which a messy black-haired, malnourished child received, images of daily taunting of the smaller boy freakishness, the complete lack of any possessions owned by Harry, the sad look upon the boy as he wandered around at any time, but most importantly the complete neglect of love-LOVE!!! What ever happened to love, actually, being all around us? It was Inconceivable, as long as you don't really know what that word means.

"It's just as I said Dumbledore, I have made my report." Arabella replied matter-of-factually. "You could obliviate them, threaten them, try to reason with them, but they can't fake love, they just don't love Harry, and there's nothing you could do to change that. Dumbledore, a child requires love in order to be secure with themselves, in order to grow up and be able to achieve something. You must find somebody—"

"Quite so…" Dumbledore interrupted, as he considered the axiom, _it is most difficult to forgive others when you were wrong_. (It must have been a really smart guy to have said that—oh yeah Me.) Without further discussion, nor even offering his old friend a sherbet lemon drop. The long silver-bearded wizard disapparated with a silent pop to where Ms. Figg's memories revealed Harry Potter's cupboard was located. Dumbledore could be entirely silent when he desired such stealth. In the basement of number four Privet drive a slight burst of wind exploded through the air, but the sound could have easily been confused for a dust particle dropping to the floor from an inch in the air or a slight twitch in Arabella's lips from a mile a way. Soon a lavish pumpernickel robe was visible, then a pair of half crescent glasses, pink buckle-up slippers with sparkly bunny-rabbits (Okay no bunny rabbits but I would have liked there to have been some bunny rabbits!) and now an entire stick-like old man with a crooked nose and a vast silver beard appeared out of nowhere at all—but no one was in the basement at the time, and if a tree falls in the forest and nobody witnessed, it never fall. (Don't let "reality" confuse you.)

A quiet "dop dop" sounded on the door of the cupboard.

_Since when does Uncle Vernon tap softly on my door, _pondered the occupant under the stairs_. _"Alright I'm coming" stated the exasperated voice of a young boy, with just a hint of confusion.

Faster than Harry Potter could say "Quidditch"—not that he could ever imagine such a game (and also depending on how fast he tried to say it, for instance were he on one of those radio commercials where they say batteries, instructions, and actual device not included he could probably say Quidditch really fast)— several things happened in short succession. Harry opened his door with his right arm, just as Dumbledore silently cast a special warding charm on the perfectly medium-sized Privet Drive house. Harry moved his left foot forward outside of the cupboard, as Dumbledore began concentrating on his destination. Harry formed a confused look on his face, as Dumbledore grabbed the boy's arm and poofed them out of thin air. At that moment a few unsuspecting butterflies were flapping their wings—but I digress; possibly half-way around the world a very young red-headed girl was throwing a temper-tantrum; oh yeah, and um, another gust of wind formed on unsuspecting air molecules in a small village.

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?" Screamed the seven-year-old Harry Potter. "Who are yo—"Harry's word came out as nothing more then a breath of air as a blanket of silence surrounded his general vicinity due to some quick wand movements from the old man.

"It seemed like nothing short of magic," replied Dumbledore seemingly, completely unperturbed by the recent occurrence. A passive observer might have noted a rather remarkable twinkling glitter in the old man's shiny blue eyes especially as Dumbledore removed the silencing spell and continued, "Did you do that?"

"What?--- NO!!!- no it wasn't me, I swear, I couldn't have—no that's impossible not me no please don't hit me sir" Harry began to say as he lifted a hand to block a slap to the face, and braced his legs for a swipe the he was, quite certain, was impending. This was all Dumbledore needed to see, but he decided he would keep his surveillance wards at the number four Privet Drive up, for now, anyway.

"Ahh now why would I do that when in fact I teleported us to this lovely town," replied Dumbledore. _The insanity the injustice! How could he not be me to a pulp? _thought Harry. Far from meeting the young child's expectations, the old man beamed at the child in a manner which indicated that if it had been Harry he would have been most impressed. "Though, if you had apparated us here I would have been most impressed," Dumbledore added.

"Bu—t"

"I was merely confirming my own suspicions that your Aunt and Uncle did not so readily approve of magic, dear Harry" Dumbledore explained not that it made things even a shade clearer.

"You see Harry forgetting whatever invaluable information your Aunt and Uncle definitely have imparted upon you, magic does exist, and it, in fact, is very helpful." Dumbledore stated in his teaching voice, as he had not even intentionally legilimenced that the boy's guardians had denied the existence of magic despite having a sister/ in-law which was an extremely gifted witch. Furthermore, according to the boys vivid recollections anything bizarre or strange was considered most dangerous, revolting, freakish, and purposefully perpetrated by the boy as an evil conspiracy. "Have you ever had any strange occurrences happen around you, anything inexplicable?" Dumbledore asked though he had already seen the answer to that question in Harry's head, instances of rapid hair regeneration, accidental apparition to avoid a gang of children, and several other events each receiving seemingly misattributed—at least in Harry's perspective—punishments. It had been said of a much older, and more mature, Harry that he wore his emotions on his sleeve, that his mind was an open book, but a seven year old Harry Potter's mind was more like a 3-D IMAX presentation of a film screaming at full volume to the skilled old-coot.

"Well yeah, but I swear it wasn't my fault, one time my aunt…she got frustrated cutting my hair and having it re-grow so fast so she cut it all of and I looked horrible, somehow all my hair grew back…" Harry began to ramble on and on about all the bits of accidental magic that Dumbledore had already viewed in Harry's mind, but Dumbledore humored him and listened intently. He wanted to hear Harry tell all about what seemed to secretly excite Harry.

"Yes, Harry what you are talking about is actually _not_ _freakish_ at all," Dumbledore particularly emphasized how normal and perfectly fine Harry was, but not in the same manner as he had done with another black haired-albeit blue-eyed young boy many, many years ago. In fact, Dumbledore was taking a liking to this boy's naivety, purity and conscience. "What you are describing is known as accidental magic and children around your age which are magical are said to exhibit this before they learn to control their magic, I am a Headmaster at a school called Hogwarts where we teach boys and girls a little older than you how to control their magic and use it carefully to achieve whatever it is they wish. Someday I would very much like to have you attend this school, if you would like to… young sir. You see Hogwarts is a school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and you, Harry James Potter, are a Wizard."

"A what?" replied Harry in a matter that seemed most skeptical—disbelieving even.

"A newt... wellll--- it got better" Albus quoted from the muggle film.

Harry had never been more confused in his life. Not only did this man who was probably eighty years old seem to accept his freakish ways, and rescue him, but he also seemed to know a whole lot and spoke to him like a loving teacher might have. On the other hand, he wore a dress clearly had never heard of a haircut or a shaving device and he was also extremely insane and didn't even seem to be able to respond to simple questions in a logical fashion. Finally, he came to the only conclusion that made any sense: _Clearly, only crazy people will ever accept me. _

Albus, who of course could very clearly read the final statement Harry's mind went through, chuckled brightly and his eyes began a twinkle fest-not dissimilar to fireworks. "Actually, I am 147 years old and most wizards would agree with you that I may be slightly eccentric, do you know what that word means?" After a moment delay, however, Albus' face became a complete grimace as he realized that he had not yet discerned the most appalling of all abuses, the boy could not even recognize the cultural phenomenon of MONTY PYTHON!

"Crazy?"

Dumbledore quickly repressed his extreme anger and responded, "excellent, Harry I would like to extend to you my deepest apologies for allowing such abuse to you. The first step towards repairing your situation which I can take is to explain to you the significance of "A newt…" that is a quote from the muggle telee-moving-thingy Monty Python. Ever since your parents were murdered by Tom Riddle—" Albus managed to say before the boy managed to voice those thoughts which his mind were already broadcasting.

Harry's face was scrunched up in fixed consternation as he exclaimed, "My parents weren't killed, they died in a car accident…weren't they?"

Albus saddened remarkably, the twinkle in his eye extinguishing as he mulled those words over. "Harry I'm most terribly sorry to tell you that your parents were murdered by an extremely notorious, evil Dark Wizard, Tom Riddle who fashioned himself the name Lord Voldemort. This particular wizard was so terrible that unfortunately many fear even stating his name and call him "you-know-who" or other ridiculous pseudonyms. In actuality, Harry you are somewhat of a miracle and famous almost as much as Lord Voldemort, and therefore the general sheep call you the "Boy-who-lived" probably due to their fascination with hyphenation, I am not certain. Yes, there's also the minor matter that you survived an unsurvivable killing curse and further rebounded the spell towards its caster—Lord Voldemort, thus ending a long-spanning reign of terror. But I'm leaning towards a desire to hyphenate ever since Uric the Oddball flushed the toilet"Dumbledore stated while pointing his finger to the scarred forehead. "This scar" Dumbledore fumbled for a better word than 'marks' "…is an indication of the _Avada Kedvara, _killing curse, which your mother's love protected you from and has continued to serve you with defense from all those who wish to harm you. You see she applied an ancient love-shielding spell to you by sacrificing her existence to save your own life. I don't expect you to understand much of what I have explained to you thus far, however this brings me to the second step I will take in order to redeem myself for allowing your freedom, happiness, and love to be stolen for your protection. You see by staying with another blood relative you were able to protect your entire "family" from impending attacks due to the love in your mother's blood. However, seeing as how you are much too abused in this house, I will place you under the only other protector which I know will leave you safe, myself—if you will have me."

After several moments of processing something, which they had not seen in living memory, Harry's eyes filled with an emotion they had long forgotten—hope. And thus the emerald green eyes shone in such a warmth which would soon fill them for a long time. "So you're gonna be my granddaddy?" By the end of the last word in that statement Harry was already leaping up and down, throwing his arms out ward, and tackling Albus Dumbledore.

Albus merely chuckled as he grabbed the boy in what he felt his new grandson desperately needed, a strong, loving embrace (no slash, get your mind outta the gutter).

Being as how Albus Dumbledore, was Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardary, Supreme Mugwump of the Wizengamout, Chief Warlock of the International Confederation of Warlocks and an all-around powerful dude who happened to hold the Death-stick, meant that when Harry Potter entered Olivander's shop for wands no one questioned his request for Harry to have not one, but two wands—each with a holster of their own. Albus, likewise, did not question Harry when he ever so politely asked for the wands—cuz he thought they were cool and sparkly. In fact, thought Albus, if anyone dare question what his new grandson thought was cool and sparkly, they would face a rude awakening and his strangling beard attack. Nevertheless, Albus agreed with Ollivander that it was most peculiar, indeed, that the brother wand to Tom's chose little Harry. Further surprising was the volume of sparks which shone from the phoenix-feather wand for a boy of such a young age. Albus paid the 25 galleons for the wand and holsters and they continued to walk out the store. Harry was already waving his wand in circles, tapping various people's ankles, picking his nose and loose floor panels, and even tried to mount the wand like one might mount a broomstick, when Albus decided he might just start to teach the boy a thing or two.

After they had purchased Harry his own set of dresses—as Albus agreed to call them, they checked out the Owl Emporium and picked Harry his very own snowy white owl, which immediately took a liking to the boy or maybe to pecking him constantly—Fawkes would soon be jealous.

Albus decided in fact at this point that if Harry was going to fulfill the prophecy he could use any headstart he can get. And he decided that any moment where Albus was not engaged in his political or educational duties would be devoted to the tutelage of a certain prophecy holder. Harry was already so eager to learn any kind of magic that he could hardly deny him that right… right?

The most interesting thing to happen of course is that when they came home and Albus showed the boy his pensive, Harry obviously kindly requested to learn the spell which retrieves the memories, because he told Albus that he liked the shiny swirly silver and he had bad dreams which included, unbeknownst to him, his parents. More specifically this was their conversation:

"Is this my real mommy and daddy?" Harry stated as he flicked his wrist in a motion he trained during the entire walk around Diagon Alley, and put his wand to his forehead allowing a silver stream of liquid memories to be visible from the tip of the wand. He then placed the memory directly into the bowl of the pensive as he was instructed.

Harry and Albus entered the perspective of a year-and-a-half-old Harry Potter.

_A man whose unruly obsidian hair adorned in brown robes stood just outside having just drawn his wand. "Get Harry out of here… it must have been PETER—that rat!" James screamed his last words._

_Lilly quickly ran over to her son as an emerald green light beam matching her eyes approached her beloved. Harry began to cry despite not truly understanding the meaning behind his father's crumpled fall. _

_Lilly's green eyes began to tear as she spoke to the serpentine cruel man with his viscious high pitched laugh. "Kill me not him" she yelled as she covered her infants body with a force of love unmatched elsewhere, with the purity of a brilliant sacrifice she could think of nothing but her love as she eyed her infant son._

_Voldemort hesitated only a minor moment before ending her life with a green beam of light while shrilly laughing and soon came a final beam of light heading toward the infant Harry exactly where the memory ended._

Albus was a man renowned, if not only for his power and wit, for his ability to stay on top of all occurrences, it was his hobby and duty to be the man who knew what was up and where the parties was at. And therefore, when he was, for the first time in many years, shocked—this shocked him even more. He failed to conceal his magnified confound by merely remarking, "Most intriguing, Harry." Within the same day he had learned of both a child's abuse by his placement, and another man rotting in prison by his testimony. How could he be so blind, he examined his sherbert lemons—surely they were to blame. "Harry, before I will explain this memory to you- I must explain that you have just drawn my attention to a new possibility which I had never considered before, if you don't mind, I think we may have to make a trip to the Ministry of Magic—it will hopefully be a fun and short visit, and you'll get to see wizards at work would you like that?"

"Of course grandpa" Harry said expectantly, not really sure why grandpa seemed so surprised but happy that he was able to help this seemingly heroic man.

Dumbledore proceeded to side-along apparate the child to the Courtroom ten of the Wizengamut where he immediately called an emergency meeting and asked Amelia Bones, Head of DMLE, to bring Sirius Black to the court for a long overdue trial.

Amelia was considering questioning the wizened wizard but when she saw how he literally stormed into her office emanating power and powerful emotions she decided she would question him later and quickly sent her silver cougar patronus to Azkaban and relayed his message.

The Wizengamut assembled and people began to murmur things on the nature of what has happened to the old coot now and who is that boy?

Albus stood, while (presumably to the other wizengamuters) wandlessly casting _sonorous_, and said "Recent testimony has led me to believe that my previous testimony that Sirius Black was the secret keeper for the Potter's was incorrect, therefore we have called this emergency session of the Wizengamut to discuss the potential injustice to Sirius Black and give him a veritaserum interview immediately, if he consents."

Lucius Malfoy, Avery and Nott all stood and called this trial an outrage! Which, for Albus, confirmed his newly formed beliefs about the events at the end of October, and which, for the rest of the wizengamuters, increased the murmurs regarding Albus mental health.

At this point a man with dirty dark hair in ragged clothes, skeletal appearance, and an expression of utmost bemusement arrived in dangling chains manned by two fierce looking gaurds. He quickly looked around the room and suddenly his eyes met the youngest person present at which point he gleefully exclaimed, "HARRY!!!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry asked Dumbledore if that man was talking to him. Meanwhile, Dumbledore tried to politely hush the traumatized young child.

Dumbledore brought forth his pensive from his ever-expansive cloak and played young Harry's memory to the Wizengamut in order to explain the sudden emergency hearing, whilst Sirius Black was fastened into a seat.

Dumbledore magically allowed the entire audience to view Harry's pensive memories, and explained the situation.

Soon, Amelia Bones stood forth and exclaimed, "In light of recent evidence, and due to the abysmal lack of a trial for Sirius Black, I place a motion to have a new trial held immediately."

Before Amelia, could even sit down Dumbledore rose, and exuding his remorse stated "I second that motion, and therefore declare that the Wizengamut shall vote on whether the accused, Sirius Arthur Black, shall receive a trial."

Unsurprisingly when the two members with the most clout in the Wizengamut placed the motion the result was fairly overwhelming to at least have a trial for the accused prisoner. Therefore, Amelia Bones went towards the accused veritaserum in hand and asked "do you consent to the use of Veritaserum?"

"I do" Sirius Black said with his voice rasping from his 6 year torture.

After applying the Veritaserum to the previously-considered notorious man, Amelia began her questioning.

"What is your full name?"

Sirius Arthur Jennifer Black" With just a touch of embarrassment at his third name escaping even through the veritaserum.

"Wizengamut shall note the accused is under the effects of Veritiserum."

"Did you know James Potter?"

"Yes"

"Did he contact you regarding a secret keeper for the Fidelus charm?"

"Yes"

The assembled Wizengamut members all began to shout guilty and became outraged at the sudden hearing. Albus meanwhile stood calmly.

"Did James Potter choose you to be his secret keeper?"

"No"

The Wizengamuters erupted with outrage at their own failed system.

"Who was the secret-keeper for the Fidellus charm on the Potter home in Godric's Hollow?"

"Peter Pettigrew"

Even Amelia for a moment lost her composure and gasped at the outrage of the crime that the wizengamut had commited by sending him to Azkaban.

"Have you ever been affiliated with the Dark Lord Voldemort?"

"No"

"Have you ever killed a person?"

"No, but I almost did"

"Who did you almost kill?" Amelia quickly responded.

"Peter Pettigrew after I found out he betrayed Lilly and James. And also Severus Snape by leading him into a werewolf's den."

"Are you a death eater?"

"No"

"Did you kill 15 muggles in the street upon your arrest?"

"No, Peter Pettigrew blew up the street then cut of his finger and transformed into his animagus form of a rat before escaping in the sewers."

Again the crowd went wild at the sudden realization.

"Thank you for your testimony" Amelia stated, then began a vote for the guilt of Sirius Black.

A not so astounding vote occurred and Sirius Black was immediately exonerated, and awarded 10,000 galleons for every year of false imprisonment along with heartfelt apologies upon the subsequent vote.

Albus was a wise man, despite his shortcomings, but he could see an opportunity when it arose. "Sirius, I understand you are the godfather to this young lad. I have recently procured his custody from the unloving arms of his relatives and wish for him to study with me at Hogwarts, a school you might remember. How would you like to assist me in raising and training this brilliant young boy? In-so-doing, I will place you and perhaps Remus Lupin as professors of DADA in the coming years?" Albus stated but soon realized his minor mistake of referring to Harry as "boy" since despite whatever compliments he may have used along with the term, Harry was highly offended and frightened by the word and Albus could sense that it was often used disparagingly by those monsters. "I also wanted to know if you would accompany me to deal some private justice to those who saw fit to treat your godson in such a manner, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW MONTY PYTHON!" Albus finished rather angrily, clearly not even realizing that he was still at the Wizengamut and probably should refrain from talks about potentially illicit acts of vigilantism in front of the legal body considering Sirius was a newly freed man.

Despite years of abuse in that horrible hell which he knew he deserved for allowing Pettigrew to be the God-damn secret-keeper, Sirius still had a well-honed Marauder side and when none other than his old headmaster asked him to pull some pranks, how could he resist. Besides, the raggedy-looking, underfed child in front of him seemed so scarred and scared. Therefore with little hesitation and seeming to find a new purpose in his life, Sirius exclaimed "I know a hella good castration-illusion hex"

Harry, meanwhile had no idea what the hell was going on. One time he was watching the international show, American C-SPAN, because that's all the Dursley's would allow him to watch, and that was the only experience which remotely resembled what happened earlier in the day with the old man. So when he looked at this so-called courtroom where these strange people wore dresses and strapped people into chairs, he decided to forget any notions he had of normalcy. Despite his bewilderment, he eventually noticed that he was being lifted by a man who seemed to be overjoyed to see him and yet was a complete stranger. Not only was being lifted in the air a new sensation for the young child but there seemed to be something else that was happening, something intangible he had only first caught glimpses of, with his new found grandpa: love.

During the following weeks and then months Albus, Remus, Sirius and Harry lived together in Hogwarts they tutored Harry in DADA in the case of Remus, specialty magicks in the case of Albus, and transfiguration (underhandedly Animagus transformation from Sirius). After Remus and Sirius heard the prophecy they immediately agreed with Albus that despite Voldemort's seeming disappearance Harry will have to be one of the best wizards in the world and fast in order to be able to take down Voldemort by his hand. But more than just training for the years to come especially for Harry and Sirius there was an opportunity to heal physically—from the lack of food and abuse and mentally—from the lack of care and love and abuse. By the time Harry was ready for Hogwarts, much like Snape who was said to have entered Hogwarts knowing more than the average seventh year, Harry was absurdly knowledgeable and powerful for his age by training his magical abilities at an early age. He became extremely talented with any kind of charms, transfiguration, and most defensive and offensive training.

Any moment not spent training his magic he spent training his magic while riding his newly purchased Nimbus 1999. He would play his favorite game of run-from-the-werewolf-while-using-stinging-hexes-on-him-and-healing-your-good-friend-Paddy. Or his other favorite catch-a-big-black-mutt-by-his-toes-banish-him-to-oblivion-and-use-aguamenti-on-him-every-morning-at-4-AM. He was even given stealth missions to steal the old man's socks or use tickling charms on the strange cat.


	2. Postquel

Disclaimer:  
Me: Plays with wand  
JKR: Stop playing with your wand...  
Me: … Continues to play with wand...  
JKR: Play in my world: don't make money off it  
Me: Continues to play with wand?...

Last Time on HP+GDA (especially for those of you who didn't notice that I completely edited everything muhahahahahah):Any moment not spent training his magic he spent training his magic while riding his newly purchased Nimbus 1999. He would play his favorite game of run-from-the-werewolf-while-using-stinging-hexes-on-him-and-healing-your-good-friend-Paddy. Or his other favorite catch-a-big-black-mutt-by-his-toes-banish-him-to-oblivion-and-use-aguamenti-on-him-every-morning-at-4-AM. He was even given stealth missions to steal the old man's socks or use tickling charms on the strange cat.

Chapter II: Harry Potter and the Magical Toilets

Meanwhile at the Weasley's Burrow. A certain rat was stirring about. "PERCIVAL MICHELLE WEASLEY! Keep your rat in check!" yelled Molly. God of all the days for Percy to act up in some way. Ever since that crazy Daily Prophet article that stupid Scabbers does nothing but scab us! And Percy totally ignores it. At least Ron and Ginny have a new playmate since Harry now lives with Albus and his [honorary] godfathers.

On the other hand, Harry is surprisingly a good influence on the boys despite the "tender" ministrations of the Marauders. And to think, Snape was complaining that Harry shouldn't be influenced by the boyish men. He showed them. [It definitely had nothing to do with his former guardians beating the mischief out of him.]

Peter's Perspective

Damn that snotty nosed kid, his old man, werewolf, and his little dog too! I will get them! As long as they don't attack me or something. Then I would only snivel away. "Wait a second, No I am brave" said a different voice in his head. If only I could get my master back he would know what to do about that brat, as if one Potter wasn't enough.

They always made fun of me oh Peter he's good for comic relief. Well I'll show them! muhahahhahahaahhaha. Ok, on second thought, my Master will show them. Whatevs.

It was August the 30th and school was just about to begin for Harry, when he walked out of Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and thought, I just realized something, the toilets clean up after you.

Coincidentally, walking by, Albus chuckled at Harry's mental projections and stated, "yes, Harry we have magic toilets I thought you might have realized that 4 years ago when you first came into Hogwarts, but the author probably forgot to mention that so he will make it seem like you just figured it out."

"Well this one time I went to Japan and they had these toilets that shot water at your butt this wasn't nearly as scary," Harry remarked with bewilderment.

"Your relatives took you to Japan? I mean Cough* Cough* sorry about that major plot hole revelation. What I meant to say was, yes, Harry a Japanese transfiguration master invented the magical toilet, but back to your training I have a feeling like we might meet old Tommy within this school year." Dumbledore explained

"I mean I saw it on the tele once..."

"Exactly, yes it's very confusing what actually happened to you and what you saw on the tele," Dumbledore finished awkwardly as he contemplated his lack of mental stability being contagious to the poor youngster. Then, he remembered something important was going to happen today. "Harry do you remember that something important is going to happen today?"

"Oh you mean my magical abilities test that if I am able to pass I should already graduate Hogwarts with my NEWTs but in actuality will result in nothing more than a pat on the back and me continuing to be in Hogwarts for plot reasons?"

"Yes"

"Oh well me and Remus were just studying for it by pulling pranks... on you," Harry stated as he quickly drew his wand and thought Revelo. Simultaneously, he "transfigured" the air into a mirror in act many might consider conjuration.

Lo and behold, Albus' dress turned into a full on too-too complete with twinkling sparkly bunnies that even moved around and hunted carrots on Albus's new dress. His beard got tied into braids and his hair into pigtails with plumb-shaded ribbons sparkly confetti, glitter, and miniature animated hippopotamuses all came rushing from the floor, ceiling, and walls surrounding Albus. All of a sudden a money booth was formed and Albus, catching on, attempted to catch as many hippopotamus in his dress as possible.

Meanwhile Remus and Sirius had managed to gather the entire Hogwarts staff including Snape to watch the extravaganza while they took their Lyka-magical cameras and shot Albus from every angle imaged. Needless to say, Albus was posing for every shot.

Once the festivities were over Albus flicked his wand and the confetti transfigured into thin air, the hippopotamus stopped animatedly floating and shrunk to the size of lemon drops and his robes transfigured back to his favorite, salmon with floating animated kangaroos and red velvet lining and silver poof balls that hung magically on the sleeves. (The crowd could hardly notice the difference.) All the while his shiny twinkly eyes matched the glittery surrounding which they were just in.

"As I was saying before I was so kindly interrupted by this cheerful bit magic" Dumbledore stated with a happy wink towards the newest member of the Marauders. "Today, we will be testing everything you have learned so far using both an obstacle course that I have designe"d. He glanced around and when he saw Remus' squint and Hagrid's hurt look he smirked inwardly, but only for a moment.

"And of course, the aid of Remus and Hagrid's provision of magical creatures. As well as a duel with our resident former Auror, Sirius Black." He continued while nodding at each of the aforementioned members of staff which had assembled as the audience to the prank. Thank God I finally broke that accursed curse on the DADA position. With both Sirius and Remus as the DADA professors they were each allowed to teach for 2 years even by the original rule of the curse. (As half a teaching role*2=1 teaching, ah yes teaching myself mathematics even at my superannuated--

Albus thoughts were interrupted by a (relatively to Umbridge's) pleasant "Hem Hem" As Remus cleared his throat at gestured towards the direction of the obstacle course.

"So it begins, if you will" Albus stated dramatically.

"I will not" Harry replied cheekily before noticing the rest of the Hogwarts staff were still in the room. Oops.

"Albus we should not tolerate this lip" Snape stated in a tone that was seeming to be merely token hatred and disdainfulness. Snape realized this and put a thick sneer, wait thick does not describe sneers. He put on a hateful sneer. Yes he thought to himself that's better. He thought back to the days in which his heart softened to the boy.

Cue strange harp music and hazy cloud-like mirror effects.

Snape was polishing his favorite cauldron. It was a really thick one unlike those unsturdy standard pots. He had this one specially ordered from Germany where they had proper standards for cauldron thickness! He was not bitter at all about the grease incident that happened before he got into Hogwarts. No, he definitely could hardly even remember the event. He did not remember as just as he was placing buggers of a thestral mixed with excretions of a pregnant winged-hippotatumus wearing a pink tutoo (it was a very curious but the person who gave him the recipe was of the highest authority it was Bob from the Somewhat Ancient and Mostly Noble but Partly Ignoble House of Pancakes down the street) when the cauldron clean wore away at the bottom of the cauldron and rather than dripping on to the floor, the substance immediately evaporated and poofed into his hair. He definitely did not think about this event daily and recall how embarrassed he was that the permanently effected his hair. He did not think to himself, this is why they were "partly ignoble" even while slamming his foot into the wall. Ouch, bloody mothertrucking walls! Note to self order walls from Germany.

Anyway… yes he was polishing his favorite German Kriegerstrinershneglecauldrongreketen when all of a sudden the infernal pet brat of the twice or perhaps six times accursed Headmaster walked in and jumped onto his back for a "piggy back ride". Sure the creature was merely 8 but that did not give him any more justification to distract a busy man while he was busy and stuff. He had the words You freaking infernal brat on the tip of his tongue but the brat interrupted his agitated screaming with some strange whimpering like sound.

"Oh uncle Snivellus, it was horrible Uncle Moony told me to do it please don't let Paddy get to me. Moony told me to do it! Why's he after me!--" He continued to blabber and mess up his perfectly dry cleaned black Sabbath's Black Label Society black robe with black cape and black lining and black buttons and black clasps.

This intrigued Snape more than even that ridiculous name or the moisture accumulating on his perfect robes. It had a similar effect to a gift to hear about him destroying the Mutt. And to think he had even made him angry enough that he would frighten this tiny curr-like James Potter mini-me. "Yes Harry" Snape laid the "compassion" on thick as he listened. No wonder he was Slytherin Head of House if he could pretend to have any sympathy for anyone let alone this slime ball son of Satan. "Tell me all about what happened to him"

"Well me and Uncles were in that Muggly restaurant when Paddy saw some woman with cooties most likely. When I asked him why he was looking at her so often he said he was inspecting her for cooties. Apparently cooties are right below the neck, did you know that Uncle Sne? Anyways he says 'Ok I have to inspect her cooties you just stay with Uncle Moony.' Moony and me kept eating until about 15 minutes later when Moony tells me that the woman definitely has cooties and I had to go get Paddy immediately. He said that I should use aguamenti at his pants. Then lumos the inside of his pants. And then accio his hand from behind her just a bit so that he touches where Paddy said her cooties were. She got really mad at Paddy, well first she laughed at him then she got really mad at him. And threw her cup of red-juice at his face and then I came and called him red-beard. Moony was laughing the whole time. And then Paddy got realllly mad at me but you'll tell him won't you Uncle Sev you'll tell him its not my fault"

Snape histerical laughter could not be stopped for several minutes. He even was considering pitying the pup—er—Mutt! At was at this moment that the hate he harbored towards the boy extinguished from the heat of the center of the sun with solar fusion occurring constantly to merely lava that he could imagine burning the lad's flesh.

Cue zooming out and less murky, cloudiness. And now back to our show.

"Harry…" Dumbledore did his best to sound somewhat stern or at least he thought about how Snape might say it but realized that even Snape was softening up. This shocked him and amazed him and stunned him and befuddled him and dumbfounded him and confused him and bedazzled him and betrothed him. Wait… it did not betroth him. But the other words described his state.

"Moving along then…" said Sirius. And this confused everyone, Dumbledore noted. What had the world come to when Sirius was trying to move things along.

And then Harry started walking towards the maze holding only his wand (and his mokeskin bag full of Chocolate Frogs and heated Treacle Tarts, well and his maze walkthrough, and an mPhone which was much like an iPhone but hadn't come out yet)


End file.
